It is late - I'm fighting off a cold and cannot sleep.
These are some of the thoughts floating around at 12:30.
I've been dreading this - Autumn's first cold. I'm grateful that it has been minor for her, not much snot and only a little cough - that she made it to 5 months old before we had to deal with it. Myself being sick and having Autumn 2 feet from my head, I've been able to sleep okay, however the last 2 nights Aaron said he checked on her every 30-45 minutes all through the night. I admit we are anxious parents, we struggle deeply not to worry and to find the difficult balance between minimizing risks and worrying. I don't know if I'll ever find that balance on certain issues.
Where does my worry come from? 4 friends of mine have lost babies - 2 in the hospital and 2 before their beautiful babies made it to their first birthdays. My mother is a baby nurse and came home numerous times during my childhood and sat and cried after they lost a baby at work. I went to my first infant funeral at age 15 when our youth pastor and his wife lost their baby at birth. During my 2 and 1/2 week stay at the House of Moses in Lusaka - 3 sweet babies went to heaven. God takes children home to Him more often than we would like. Some with explanation, some without answers and all painful.
I titled this post "God's Children." After having a child, it is impossible not to think about the possibility of losing them. It is a possibility. The likelihood is not great, but the risk is real. I knew that we were getting into the one thing in life that can bring the greatest joy and has the risk of the greatest pain known to man - parenthood. The only way I am able to not be paralyzed by my fears and worry is to remember that my children are like Samuel was to Hannah - God's Children - a gift to me from Him for me to care for. I can only do my best - and know that God's plan is greater than my own - even if I don't or can't understand it. God is pretty clear about fretting and anxiety - yet I'm human - but I will try Lord - I will keep trying.
Back to bed - hopefully now that I've dumped my brain onto my virtual diary, sleep will follow.
1 comment:
Bless your hearts. We know that struggle with fear all too well. I think nearly all parents do. Keep giving it to Him every day and night and let your sweet baby girl be held in the hands that are mightier than your own. You are such a wonderful mom and I'm just sure God is so pleased with the recipients of His gift.
Post a Comment