God's Children

It is late - I'm fighting off a cold and cannot sleep.

These are some of the thoughts floating around at 12:30.

I've been dreading this - Autumn's first cold. I'm grateful that it has been minor for her, not much snot and only a little cough - that she made it to 5 months old before we had to deal with it. Myself being sick and having Autumn 2 feet from my head, I've been able to sleep okay, however the last 2 nights Aaron said he checked on her every 30-45 minutes all through the night. I admit we are anxious parents, we struggle deeply not to worry and to find the difficult balance between minimizing risks and worrying. I don't know if I'll ever find that balance on certain issues.

Where does my worry come from? 4 friends of mine have lost babies - 2 in the hospital and 2 before their beautiful babies made it to their first birthdays. My mother is a baby nurse and came home numerous times during my childhood and sat and cried after they lost a baby at work. I went to my first infant funeral at age 15 when our youth pastor and his wife lost their baby at birth. During my 2 and 1/2 week stay at the House of Moses in Lusaka - 3 sweet babies went to heaven. God takes children home to Him more often than we would like. Some with explanation, some without answers and all painful.

I titled this post "God's Children." After having a child, it is impossible not to think about the possibility of losing them. It is a possibility. The likelihood is not great, but the risk is real. I knew that we were getting into the one thing in life that can bring the greatest joy and has the risk of the greatest pain known to man - parenthood. The only way I am able to not be paralyzed by my fears and worry is to remember that my children are like Samuel was to Hannah - God's Children - a gift to me from Him for me to care for. I can only do my best - and know that God's plan is greater than my own - even if I don't or can't understand it. God is pretty clear about fretting and anxiety - yet I'm human - but I will try Lord - I will keep trying.

Back to bed - hopefully now that I've dumped my brain onto my virtual diary, sleep will follow.